The SDR interrupted my Football Manager session and I irritably told them to just shoot me an email. Instead, I got the friendly iMessage ping of a notification — and suddenly I’m here.

It’s a drab room, like if you told an interior designer to decorate a room in the aesthetic of a sales convention. I’d always wondered who bought the great lie that are daylight light bulbs — interior designers designing rooms to match the aesthetic of sales conventions, that is who.

One of the walls has a TV mounted on it that plays a video of a random white guy loudly and clearly enunciating that he’s very excited to work with me and that he’ll be in touch with relevant materials but also that all the relevant materials are within this very room. Of all the filters to chose, he chose the “fake blurred background” background that you only pick if your decor is overly nice or overly gauche.

The relevant materials… well it’s a binder. It’s a binder of printed out sales materials filled with stock art. The sales materials have been laminated which is for the best because they smell ominously of industrial grade cleaner.

The only place to sit in the room is a lounge chair that is styled like an Eames lounge chair but rather than being lined with leather, it’s lined with what appears to be fleece jackets. If you hadn’t already realised, it’s a fake Eames lounge chair.

A water cooler bubbles awkwardly in the corner, and above it sits, in a frame, my former employers logo. The logo is most haunting of all since it’s the logo that corporate has begged us not to use any more for the last three years.

I hope that the SDR lets me out soon since I am unemployed and need to resume my job hunt.